Bonk House Weekly

Is She Evil, or Just Icky?

Each year in July, participants in the Bonk House Universe celebrate the sole Federal Holiday recognized in bonklandia: Shit on Star Day. The holiday was conceived in 2018, and celebrated for the first time in 2019, taking place annually on July 9th. Celebrations typically include dunking on Star, telling her that she smells odd, implying that she doesn’t know how to tie her shoes, and supplying her with fun facts for her to incorporate into her knowledge bank that are fully false.

For those unfamiliar with Shit on Star Day, you may find yourself pondering the origin of this storied holiday. Many of you are likely familiar with the concept of a friend, and most of you are certainly familiar with the concept of an enemy. Shit on Star Day was conceived to celebrate Ms. Star’s masterful melding of these two identities into one stinky, sexy, and slimy person. As such, she is allowed to commit many friendship related crimes throughout the year that her loved ones are willing to overlook in exchange for one day of pure and unadulterated being a little mean to her.

We asked several fanatical Shit on Star Day-ers for their primary motivation in shitting on Star; responses have been anonymized and edited for clarity.

“Her calves are just too powerful and it’s SO not fair. She could carry a little league football team with those things.”

“She sent me this text once, which had no business being as funny as I found it. And I think she sucks really, really hard for doing that.”

“She keeps spilling liquids on my sofa, which I wouldn’t mind so much if she’d just let me clean it. But she always tries to fix it by trying to suck the liquid out of the cushion. I mean, who does that?”

“I think legitimately Star might just be dumb. Like, really fucking stupid. How can you not “believe” in lava???”

Passion Project: Dino Game Seeks Funding

Paleo Pines, a cozy dinosaur ranching simulator and one-time Bonk House hyper-fixation is back in a big way. Long-time fans of Bonk House Weekly may recall coverage on Paleo Pines from February and March of 2024 at the peak of Ms. Kriofsky’s obsession. Since then, she’s played a total of 67 hours, and acquired so many dinosaurs that she had to craft a spreadsheet to keep track of them. Despite her intensive dinosaur collecting, her interest in the game waned. Perhaps she simply got swept away by her next hyper-fixation. Or perhaps, she though portions of the world felt empty, that the game seemed unfinished. Perhaps she knew that Paleo Pines could fly to higher heights.

Fortunately, Ms. Kriofsky’s infinite wisdom and intuition proved valuable, as Italic Pig, the development studio behind Paleo Pines, has published a new Kickstarter campaign to fund a “Player’s Choice” expansion update. This update would bring a brand new ancient dinosaur into the ecosystem, and a new mechanic to allow for increased dinosaur housing. The proposed stretch goals reach even further, adding automation to poop management, an enhanced journal to track dinosaur colorways, and even an entirely new biome.

The campaign has already met its initial funding goal, and so the race is on for additional stretch goals. For anyone that likes happiness, joy, or dinosaurs, this Kickstarter is a surefire, one-way ticket to happy dino town.

One review of Paleo Pines, pulled from the Kickstarter page really says all anyone needs to know.

“You can feed a T-Rex a blueberry and he will like it :)”

Warm Puppy Becomes Hot Dog

The effervescent Miss Donut made a trip to Cousintown over the weekend to hang out with her big fat cousins, Winston and Bailey. Residents of Cousintown report that Miss Donut reveled in her relative agility compared to puppies twice her size, as she literally ran circles around Winston in the yard.

Following One (1) round of zoomies in the backyard, Miss Donut swiftly retired to what would become a staple position for her: laying in the middle of the deck in the sun and blocking as much foot traffic as possible. Always one to bask in a sunbeam, Miss Donut completed her full transformation into a certifiable Hot Dog as she staked her claim on approximately 2.5 square feet of sunny deck. Her mother complained that the pampered pitty refused to come inside to cool down, despite intense enticement in the form of her favorite frozen water treat, Cube.

Miss Donut’s propensity for laying on her back and airing out her pale, pale little tummy did cause some sunburn concern for Ms. Kriofsky, who was, and still is, entirely unsure if fat little doggies can get sunburned.

Overall, the weekend was a big success for Miss Donut, who enjoyed her fill of fenced backyard, attention, and attempting to steal tremendous quantities of meat off of the kitchen counter. She looks forward to a similar celebration next year.

A Horoscope for Your Wednesday

Aries: Drink some water. Take some drugs. But, like, not any of the fun ones. Take ibuprofen, or something. Doesn’t your head hurt anyway?

Taurus: Okay that’s enough. Stop it, will you? Put it down and walk away. Pick up something else instead. Maybe a book. Or a snail.

Gemini: I don’t think you’ve been listening. Can you try, please? Just shut up for a few minutes and listen. What do you hear in the traffic?

Cancer: Oh. You poor baby. Go find a hug. Let the weight press on you.

Leo: You know you want to start something new. So just do it already. But don’t let yourself know what you’re starting.

Virgo: Keep pushing. The door says pull, but the struggle will be good for you.

Libra: When was the last time you dusted? Things are getting gross in here. Clean out the cobwebs. Open a window.

Scorpio: You can do the Cha Cha Slide. Right foot two stomp it all the way to where you want to be. Avoid the Macarena.

Sagittarius: No one saw that. Do it bigger next time.

Capricorn: Are you being kind to yourself? Have you been feeding the flock of sheep in your chest? They need sunlight and time to graze. Be a good host.

Aquarius: You’ve been reminiscing, haven’t you? Does it feel good? To know where you’ve been? Don’t let it set the Garmin for where you’re going, though.

Pisces: Stop being so scared. It’s all in your head, and not in the good way. Like, worms. Stop eating the worms. Put the handful of dirt down.