February 6, 2024
Riveting Roller Derby:
Maul Rats Take Home the Golden Skate
Saturday, February 3, 2024 was the championship bout for Season 20 of the Minnesota Roller Derby at Roy Wilkins Auditorium. Competing for third place were the Roller Vortex and the Wednesday Warnings, with the Roller Vortex securing the third place spot. The main event of the evening saw the Bodies of Water and the Bonk House favorite, the Maul Rats vying for the Golden Skate.
The atmosphere at Roy Wilkins was absolutely electric, as the majority of the Bonk House Cinematic Universe assembled to cheer on the Maul Rats. With pom-poms, buttons, and glowsticks provided by Maul Rats mascot, Rat Benatar, Ms. Kriofsky, Sir Andrew, Ms. Star, Mr. Ben, Mr. Chuck, and Ms. Rachel screamed their collective heart out in support of the Maul Rats, in what turned out to be the most riveting battle in the history of Minnesota Roller Derby.
The Maul Rats took an early lead in the first period, but were soon overtaken by the Bodies of Water. The teams traded back and forth for the lead throughout the match, and were still neck and neck through the final jam in the second period. The Maul Rats secured their position of lead jammer in the final jam, and with a final score of 132-130, emerged victorious.
The coveted Golden Skate now rests safely with the well-fought champions.
Friends of the Bonk House will return to the Legendary Roy Wilkins Auditorium in April for the Minnesota Roller Derby All-Star bouts, and are considering season tickets for Season 21.
New(ish) Obsession Grips the Bonk House
Ms. Kriofsky delved into the world of Paleo Pines, a cutesy farming simulator, similar to the other 15 cutesy farming simulators that she holds dear in her heart. Paleo Pines, however, boasts a feature that no other farm simulator can: dinosaur best friends who also maybe help out around the farm.
Fear not, dear reader, the dinosaur labor is not coerced, and the various dinos will only offer their assistance if the farmer plays enough silly little songs, bestows enough little treats, and offers enough little patpats. That is to say, the farmer must befriend the dinosaur above all.
As with any game in which a pet can be named, one of the dinosaurs has been named after Miss Donut. Paleo Pines Donut is a Styracosaurus, whose special skill, much like Real Life Donut, is smashing boulders apart with her noggin.
After 19 hours of gameplay and very little progress made on the main questline, Ms. Kriofsky has confidently awarded Paleo Pines an 11/10 on its “Fuck Around Factor.” The “FAF” is a measure of the ability of the player to fuck around and explore the world at their leisure without being forced to complete any sort of quest to progress the game. Paleo Pines excels in this regard. New biomes are not locked behind forced story progression and instead only depend on the ability of the player to befriend dinosaurs that can tackle the physical barriers to said new biomes.
For folks that have decent short-term memory and can easily understand and remember game mechanics, Paleo Pines may hold just a few hours of entertainment, but for Ms. Kriofsky who boasts neither skill, it is sure to keep her occupied for many, many more evenings.
Traffic Cam: WTF is That?
The title says it all folks. Downright peculiar vehicle spotted on Lyndale Avenue. Why is she so tall?
Ethics Evaluation: Tricking Puppies into Naptime
Bonk House Weekly correspondent Ms. Kriofsky wrestled with the ethics of tricking Miss Donut into taking a nap with her, and ultimately concluded that ethically-speaking, her soul is absolved of any wrong-doing.
Falling prey to the classic “let’s go snuggle in bed,” Miss Donut was promptly wrapped in fuzzy binkies and snuggled by Ms. Kriofsky. Both ladies fell asleep almost immediately, in what critics are calling “The Second Best Nap of the Week.” Clocking in at just under three hours, the nap was very relaxing and only mildly disorienting for Ms. Kriofsky.
5 responses to “BHW 02.06.2024”
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stop body shaming the car 🙁
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Rethinking all the naps i’ve ever taken with bonk
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Hey I finally made it 😃
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no cause why was that car so tall
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Need to check out Paleo Pines!!
thoughts? feelings? worries?