Bonk House Weekly

Suspect Identified in Year-Old Missing Person Case

Detectives this week finally identified a suspect in a missing person case that had long gone cold. A pair of earrings had disappeared in approximately June to July of 2024, and despite heavy questioning of members of the Bonk House Universe and a public plea for leads in January, investigators were woefully unable to find the earrings. They had all but given up hope.

Until June 28, 2025. The earrings reappeared.

Head detective of the Bonk House Bureau of Investigation (BHBI) had ventured across town to fetch two close friends with the intent of having a peaceful brunch. Alas, one individual entered her vehicle not as a friend, but as a sadistic betrayer. Proudly sporting the missing jewelry in their earlobes, the suspect, who shall remain unnamed as the legal proceedings are ongoing, blithely sat next to Ms. Kriofsky.

Ever-vigilant, Ms. Kriofsky immediately zeroed in to study the bejeweled lobes of her so-called “friend,” and as she leaned closer to examine the evidence, she queried, “Where did you get those earrings.” The unassuming suspect perjured themself, responding, “Oh, these? I’ve had these forever!” This blatant falsity had no impact on Ms. Kriofsky’s cool demeanor and she innocently asked to see the earring before declaring, “THIS IS MY FUCKING EARRING. [REDACTED] I’VE BEEN LOOKING FOR THESE FOR MORE THAN A YEAR ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME.”

Despite initial questioning of the suspect sometime in August or September of 2024, they maintained a facade of ignorance, claiming they had no idea where the earrings came from or who the original owner may have been. Detective Kriofsky quickly repossessed the jewelry before proceeding, incredulous, to brunch.

In speaking with Ms. Kriofsky after the incident, she informed us that the earrings had initially gone missing around the time that she moved out of her previous apartment in June 2024. When she still could not find the earrings after more than six months in her new abode, she adopted the assumption that they had gotten lost in the move: they had likely been swept onto the carpet, vacuumed up, and relegated to a landfill forever. She had begun the grieving process, attempting to make peace with the loss of the decade-long relationship with these particular earrings.

Thankfully, the universe took pity on her and elected to bestow her precious earrings upon her once again. The earrings have not left the beautiful lobes of Ms. Kriofsky’s ears since their reunion, and Ms. Kriofsky has indicated that the next time she removes the earrings, they will immediately be placed into a safe that not even she knows the combination to.

She is Looking at You. Can You Feel It?

Here she is, gazing upon you. Will she find you worthy? Do you find yourself worthy?

She wants treats. She wants a gun. She wants to run among the stars. She wants to take a nap. What to do first? How to choose?

She has lived a thousand lives. She has done everything in all of them. She has done nothing in some of them. She knew you in one of them. You were smaller then. My, how you’ve grown. She doesn’t think that was necessary. Have you changed? She thinks you have.

She is always the same. She is always waiting. She is always warm. Fire burns in the belly, and in the throat if you’ll let it. She thinks you should let it. How lovely to be awash in flame. Will there be any of you left? Can you stand it? She knows, but she won’t tell you. That would spoil her game and likely her dinner.

Have you been taking care of yourself? She wants to know. You want to know. Can you tell her, please? Now? Pick up the pace, please, she is waiting. For you. She missed you. She misses you. Can you tell her, please? She’ll wait as long as you need, but she won’t be happy about it. Won’t you hurry, just a bit?

She loves you, you know. But she doesn’t always like you. You know that, too. She made you a home. Sit down. Stay for a bit. Melt into the floor. Pool yourself under the sofa. Isn’t this quiet and cool? Can’t you finally relax? Please relax.

Sit in the silence and the darkness. Let it consume you. Do you still feel the flames? She thinks you can.

Enough of that. Scoop yourself off the floor, you have to go to work tomorrow, don’t you remember?

There she is, gazing upon you. My, how you’ve grown.

A Horoscope for Your Wednesday

Aries: Take the time to consider your options. Follow your gut instinct anyway. Just think about it first.

Taurus: Aren’t you sick of it? Don’t you just want to go batshit?

Gemini: Let the chaos run its course. Then pick up the pieces. You can’t fix things you haven’t broken yet.

Cancer: Stop waiting for the rainy day that will never come. Indulge in extravagance.

Leo: When is the last time you fed your soul? Nourish it with a buffet.

Virgo: Pay attention to the details. You’re forgetting something important.

Libra: Don’t give too much. You can’t sacrifice everything and still have a place to come home to.

Scorpio: Feel your feelings. Feel someone else’s too. You can take whatever you want.

Sagittarius: Lay out a roadmap of what you want. Rent a billboard. Be annoying about it.

Capricorn: Phone a friend. Life is like the Cash Cab. You can’t possibly have all the answers. If you want the ceiling to light up, sometimes you have to ask for help.

Aquarius: Take time to reflect. Can you make peace with your past? Forgive, but don’t forget.

Pisces: Trust the wind. Has she ever lied to you? She can move mountains, let her move you too.