Bonk House Weekly

Search Parties Deployed at Bonk House

Hope in the Bonk House has dwindled to an all-time low regarding a lengthy and mysterious disappearance of Ms. Kriofsky’s favorite pair of earrings. The earrings were last sighted in July, prior to Ms. Kriofsky’s relocation into the new Bonk House. In the chaos of moving, Ms. Kriofsky remained hopeful that the earrings were simply tucked somewhere stupid and would eventually reveal themselves again. Unfortunately, this has not transpired and concerned Bonk House residents fear that the earrings may truly be gone forever.

In a last-ditch effort to locate them, a search party has been dispatched to root through Bonk House with a fine tooth comb. According to Ms. Kriofsky, this is also a perfect opportunity for other miscellaneous de-cluttering. These organizational efforts have been assisted by a constant question-and-answer: Is this trash? We don’t keep trash. Anymore.

Bonk House residents await the results of the search, but the outlook is grim. One resident has begun researching local jewelers to find a replacement pair. Any replacement earrings have big shoes to fill, as the missing pair was perfect in every way. Small, subtle, and comfortable enough for everyday wear, with enough sparkle to dress them up should the occasion arise. Their neutral color boasted the versatility to match any outfit.

The earrings’ absence has been sorely felt these past six months, and anyone with information on the whereabouts of them are encouraged to contact us as soon as possible.

You’re… What?

Heavy metal continues to flow through the ears of Bonk House residents with an ever-increasing frequency that has led to the musical broadening of horizons. In need of a playlist to shuffle and listen mindlessly to for 40 hours per week, Ms. Kriofsky has been turning to Metallica’s entire discography as the studio recordings clock in at approximately 18 hours. This has created several record-scratch, “wait, what?” moments for Ms. Kriofsky as it seems that the thrash-metal titans appear to just talk shit out of their ass sometimes.

The lyric referenced above, from “Stone Dead Forever” was one of those moments and Ms. Kriofsky had to rewind several times to see if it made more sense in context. It didn’t. Audiences are left to ponder who this mysterious Sweet long lizard may be. The most likely answer is Metallica’s licensed tax professional, or perhaps accountant.

For any readers in search of more information on what Ms. Kriofsky listens to while completing employment-related tasks, check out the playlist big worm shuffle. Current favorites include Metallica’s Sabbra Cadabra, Brittany Davis’ Sepricon, and Apathy’s It Takes a Seven Nation Army to Hold Us Back.