December 5, 2023
WAR RAGES IN BONK HOUSE:
Attack on Mice
On Thursday, November 30, 2023, Bonk House Special Forces made a decisive and violent strike against the freeloading Mouse Faction that have taken up illegal residence in the Bonk House. The standoff between the two groups reached a boiling point on Thursday night, when a stray member of the Mouse Faction triggered a snap trap behind the trash can, spewing blood across the baseboards and floor.
The BHSF were in poor form during their initial Sweet Martha Bucket attack, simply tossing the enemy mouse into the air in the direction of the door several times. After much screaming and crying, BHSF found their head again and trapped the mouse under the SMB, held down by a Costco bottle of Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Whiskey.
After a tearful discussion with agents from Unit 214, BHSF bravely dispatched the enemy, SMB, and cardboard into the outside garbage.
BHSF Commander Kriofsky reportedly “cried in bed and held [her dog]” following the battle, and then proceeded to reward herself with Big Queso and a debrief with the agents from Unit 214 at their local haunt, Jetset.
While Cmdr. Kriofsky was lauded for her bravery in the evening’s battle, she was not left without scars. As she slept, her dreams were occupied by imagery of large mice burning down the Bonk House. Upon waking, Cmdr. Kriofsky self-diagnosed PTMD (post-traumatic mouse dreams), but has not sought treatment for this troubling disorder.
Legal Disclosure
BHW Staff are legally bound to specify that neither Jack Daniel’s Tennessee Whiskey, nor Sweet Martha’s Cookie’s support the heinous war crimes that occurred in the Bonk House on that fateful Thursday night.
St. Paul TubaChristmas
Twin Cities 35th Annual TubaChristmas took place on Sunday, December 3, 2023, with a likely historic turnout of more than 130 tuba and euphonium players, and an estimated one thousand people in attendance.
The low brass played such contemporary hits such as “Good King Wenceslas,” and “Greensleeves,” which made the crowd erupt in applause and euphoria.
The conductor shared several fun facts with the tuba fanatics in the crowd: the oldest player in the band was Carol, coming in at a whopping 88 years old, while the two youngest players tied at the spry age of 12.
Stupid, Bullshit TV Show Causes Upset Feelings
The marathon anime “One Piece” has a tight grip on the minds and emotions of Bonk House residents. Ms. Kriofsky is currently viewing episodes in the mid-200s, and was visibly upset by the actions of these stupid fucking characters.
In speaking with Ms. Kriofsky she stated “They’re making my boy Chopper sad!!!!!!!!!!! These [expletive]s keep saying they’re not friends with him!!! You better [expletive] put in a picture of Chopper HE’S JUST A LITTLE GUY WHY ARE THEY MAKING HIM SAD.” Per the request of Ms. Kriofsky, a picture of Dr. Tony Tony Chopper is included.
Ms. Kriofsky’s recent browser search history includes One Piece related queries such as “Chopper plushie giant,” and “How to start change.org petition to make Chopper not be sad.” As of yet, it is unclear if these searches proved fruitful, as there are no new credit card charges, and she never actually visited change.org.
thoughts? feelings? worries?