Bonk House Weekly

London: By the Numbers

BHW 11.14.2024

David Tennant’s Macbeth: The Only Play That Needs to Exist

Following a run of sold-out shows at the Donmar Warehouse, David Tennant has reprised his role as the titular Macbeth in a production of The Scottish Play at the Harold Pinter Theatre. With a pared down, minimalist set and audio delivered via headphones, the cast was truly able to show off their acting chops, and they did not disappoint. After the show, Ms. Kriofsky could be heard saying “I actually don’t think I have to see another play ever again. I think this was it. I think this is The Play.”

According to inside sources, Ms. Kriofsky’s visit to the Harold Pinter Theatre may have set a personal record for Longest Continuous Smile, as she was entirely unable to contain her excitement. The seats procured by Mr. Dad placed the duo within spitting distance of Mr. Tennant; it would have to have been a really prolific spit, but it could have been done.

Macbeth was the highlight of the trip for Ms. Kriofsky, despite the fact that the dress and sweater combination she chose to wear made her boobs look lumpy. Thankfully, no one in the theatre was there to evaluate lumpy tits.

Petting Swans: Brave or Idiotic?

Swans have a storied and anecdotal history of attacking humans, and scientists allege that these attacks typically only occur when a person is perceived as a threat to the swan’s nest and/or baby children. However, according to non-scientist Ms. Kriofsky, these swan attacks are fueled simply by evil and hatred. As she wandered through Hyde Park, she made sure to give the ignoble fowl a wide berth so as not to attract their ire.

Ms. Kriofsky was wholly taken aback when she witnessed at least half a dozen tourists attempting to pet the swans. The hefty birds often snapped their beaks at these petting hands, which did not deter the head-patting efforts. Despite the snappy beaks, none of the swans actually made contact and the tourists were able to successfully pet them in each instance.

While Ms. Kriofsky would never dream of petting these despicable birds, she conceded that they do look like they would be fun to grab by the neck and swing around like a big mace.

Vile Woman Ruins Mystery Dog’s Day, Probably

A woman sitting curiously still outside of Kensington Palace appears determined to make a puppy woefully depressed, as she carefully guarded a purple tennis ball that probably a dog lost. The woman seems to be a famous street performer, as she is seated on her own dais surrounded by a fence. Apparently this “Victoria R.” is so beloved by the British public that park-goers are prohibited from approaching her, regardless of if a cute little puppy may have accidentally lost their tennis ball within her protected zone.

As no dog was seen at the scene attempting to retrieve the ball, it is possible that a puppy has been pining for their lost ball for days, weeks, or even months. With a generous donation from readers like you, Ms. Kriofsky would be able to purchase a similar purple tennis ball for Miss Donut, who would respect it enough to not lose it in a pond.

Tricked and Bamboozled by Misleading Signage

According to Oxford Languages, a sign is defined as “a notice that is publicly displayed giving information or instructions in a written or symbolic form.” However, according to London, a sign is gibberish posted on a board. London signs provide neither information nor instructions.

Each of the signs pictured above are real, misleading, and scattered about London. Upon reading “Horse Tunnel Market,” one may imagine that there would be horses in a tunnel, running and/or attending a market. Unfortunately, this was not the case. While there was indeed a tunnel and a market, there was a distinct lack of horses, or anything resembling a horse.

“Eagle Place.” London tells another lie. There were no eagles. “Star Shop?” My friend Star was nowhere to be found.

Does The Royal Family Really Need That?

The British Royal Family have pillaged and pilfered their way to extravagant wealth, and like many wealthy enterprises, they use their money to buy dumb shit. The Grand Punch Bowl is a prime example.

Made of solid silver and gilded with gold, The Grand Punch Bowl was originally commissioned in 1829 for £8,500. The present-day equivalent is approximately £783,930.80, or $996,768.01. More than a meter wide, this grandiose display of wealth can hold 240 bottles of wine. Despite the immense wine capacity, The Grand Punch Bowl evidently sits unused in a vault at the Tower of London alongside the rest of The Grand Service and the Crown Jewels.

Also happening in 1829 when the punch bowl was commissioned, was widespread hunger in the British countryside due to poor harvests. Instead of using the modern-day equivalent of nearly one million dollars to provide relief to their starving subjects, the Royal Family opted for a 500-pound, silver gilt fucking punch bowl.

UK Wants to Destroy Miss Donut

As of late 2023, owning a pit bull became illegal in England and Wales as a result of aggressive stereotypes associated with the breed. Touted as a public safety initiative, pit bulls can no longer be bred, sold, abandoned, or given away, and any pit bulls must have a Certificate of Exemption (which can no longer be applied for), and they be muzzled and leashed while in public.

How is it determined if a dog qualifies as an “XL bully breed?” Purely based on their look. Police and/or a dog judge evaluate dogs based purely on vibes and can jail and/or execute the dog, and jail and/or fine the owner. You can read more about how officials judge what is or is not a pit bull straight from the horse’s mouth here.

Ironically, at the very same time that Ms. Kriofsky was researching the pit bull ban and getting annoyed on Miss Donut’s behalf, Miss Donut was at home attempting murder once again. This time, her victim was Spring Green Frog, who is currently stable and awaiting reconstructive surgery to restore his eye bulb…thingy.

These Bitches Fucking Love Christmas

For most Americans, the general progression of holidays through the final quarter of the year follows the trajectory of Halloween, to Thanksgiving, to Christmas. The spooky Halloween decor is packed away to make space for turkey-related memorabilia, which will eventually give way to Christmas decorations at the end of November or early December. This is not so in the United Kingdom, where they have no holiday to celebrate mythologized kinship between early colonizers and Native people. As such, it seems that immediately after Halloween, this wacky little island dives headfirst into the gaping maw of Christmas Spirit.

Despite the lack of a Thanksgiving holiday, Londoners do still celebrate the popular capitalist holiday of Black Friday, with some businesses already advertising a variety of steep promotions.

Much of central London has already been decked out for Christmas; storefronts adorned with fake snow and garland, extravagant Christmas light displays running up and down many bustling thoroughfares and quiet side-streets, Christmas markets popping up in plazas around the city.

British People Actually Talk Like That, and It’s Not Even Ironic

Eavesdropping and people-watching are two of life’s greatest pleasures, and London certainly delivered on both fronts. Ms. Kriofsky, although on vacation, remained committed to her lifelong duty of being nosy as fuck. The following are direct, excerpted quotes from Brits on the street, in restaurants, and in the shops. We humbly request that you read these quotes in the most British accent that your sweet little brain can conjure.

“I’m not even looking forward to DJ-ing this party tomorrow” – from a man with incredibly long hair, in the plaza outside Shaftesbury Theatre, who just before he uttered this sentence rambled at length about the last philosophy book he read

“The resting bitch face is intimidating, but when she smiles…” – from a man walking down Picadilly after showing his group of friends what we can only presume was a picture of a woman

“I haven’t enjoyed my work since 2019” – from a middle-aged man eating supper at a steakhouse

“D’y’know why babe?”

“Because he doesn’t love you, mummy”

“Yes, exactly”

– from a conversation among a family of three, with the man asking a question to his partner, and their child aged approximately 5-9 responding instead