Bonk House Weekly

Miss Donut, Archeologist

Miss Donut, ever hungry for knowledge and also destruction posed the research question this week: “What make dinosaur heavy?” Researchers have long pondered this question, and Miss Donut, evidently unhappy with the pace of investigation took matters into her own paws. She carefully shredded two holes in the general ass area of Green Dinosaur “George,” in a successful attempt to expose his innards. She came to find that many plastic beads make dinosaur heavy. Having found an answer to her research question, she quickly fled the scene to begin documenting her findings while leaving George’s precious plastic beads strewn about Ms. Kriofsky’s bed.

Ms. Kriofsky collected the seemingly endless number of plastic beads, gently poured them back into George’s ass, and commenced emergency surgery. The surgery was moderately successful and George is only a little disfigured. Ms. Kriofsky proved worthy of her title “Okay-est Inanimate Object Surgeon.”

Surprise! Participate In My Book Club, Now.

Welcome to Bonk’s Surprise Book Club! This week I read The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde, and now I have some discussion questions for our readers. I do not care if you’ve read the book or not. That’s not my problem.

1. Gay people make better art. Why? Support your answer using quotations.

Stationary Console Goes Non-Stationary

After an embarrassing amount of trial and error, and transferring approximately 163GB of data back and forth between devices and storage receptacles, Ms. Kriofsky was finally successful in emulating classic Nintendo Game Cube games on her Steam Deck. With this new development, Ms. Kriofsky can relive the games of her childhood from conceivably anywhere on the planet. As of the date of this article, she has used this newfound freedom to play Animal Crossing on her sofa, which is where she would have been playing Animal Crossing anyway without the labor of emulation.

In addition to Animal Crossing, she has also downloaded other hit games such as Pokemon Colosseum, Kirby Air Ride, and Ratatouille. Pokemon Colosseum is another childhood revival for Ms. Kriofsky, one that she never beat. This is likely due to a short attention span that evidently has changed little since she was 10. Ms. Kriofsky also seems excited to play Kirby Air Ride, which she firmly believes has no plot, and Ratatouille, where she hopes to cause problems as a little rat man.