Bonk House Weekly

Miss Donut and the Terrible, Awful, No-Good, Very Bad Day

This week, Miss Donut, Esquire suffered through the biggest struggle of her career thus far; working two days in a single week. After spending an exhausting 8 hours on Tuesday completing her lawyerly duties, she planned to spend the next 2 to 3 months recovering. Unfortunately, these plans were foiled by her horrible and wretched assistant, who insisted that she be present in the office on Friday as well.

To entice Miss Donut into cooperation, Ms. Kriofsky came prepared with an additional fuzzy blankie and a snack bag full of tortilla chips. The extra fuzzy blankie was well utilized by Miss Donut, who began the day napping on top of it, and she finished the day napping underneath it as the chill from the office air conditioning began to cause intermittent shivers. The tortilla chips, too, were much appreciated. As Miss Donut’s very favorite snack that she is actually allowed to have, they provided good incentive against body-slamming colleagues and clients.

As the world’s first, and only, canine attorney, Miss Donut’s day was packed to the brim with legal tasks, which she obviously completed with incredible accuracy and efficiency. When it came time to leave the office for the day, she discovered that tasks were only the beginning of the horrors she would be forced to face. A much greater foe loomed large over her soft, little body. The parking ramp elevator.

Backed with glass, the elevator in the parking garage favored by her chauffeur offers a terrifying view of downtown Minneapolis falling away and being replaced by nothing but empty, blue sky. This box that destroys the earth is likely among one of the most terrifying inventions that Miss Donut has ever had the displeasure of encountering, followed in a close second by nail clippers.

After what may qualify as the worst week of her life, having worked two 8-hour days, Miss Donut is currently out of the office on sabbatical, with her return date having been tossed out into the indefinite future.

Animal Crossing: Resurgence

A time-honored favorite returned to the Bonk House this week, as Ms. Kriofsky picked up Animal Crossing: New Horizons again with a fervor not seen since March of 2020. Already having logged more than 650 hours in the game, with approximately 250 of those hours taking place on her current island following a console transfer disaster, Ms. Kriofsky set her sights on completing the collections in the Bonk City Museum. Her fossil collection had been completed long ago, and the fish, sea creature, and insect collections were nearing completion, requiring no more than perhaps a dozen new entries between them.

Ms. Kriofsky made quick work of collecting the one remaining sea creature missing from her diving collection: the giant isopod. With this section of her encyclopedia completed, it is unlikely that Ms. Kriofsky will ever again don a digital wetsuit to brave the depths of the deep-ocean.

Progress on the fish and insect collections continues to move forward, with but one seasonal catch still remaining in each category. By far, the collection with the least entries and the most tedious acquisition process is the Bonk City Fine Art Exhibit.

For those uninitiated in the cult of Animal Crossing, fine art can only be acquired from Redd, a shady art dealer who offers just two art pieces for sale each day on Harvey’s island at an informal marketplace. The two pieces for sale each day are selected at random, only one item can be purchased per day, and there is no minimum requirement for the pieces to be authentic. On any given day, it could be that both offerings are authentic. Maybe only one of them is. Or, perhaps, neither of the options are authentic and are therefore ineligible for donation to the museum.

Therefore, as the size of the donated collection increases, the possibility of finding authentic and missing exhibit pieces decreases rapidly. This arduous task is made more difficult by the fleeting memory of Ms. Kriofsky, who often forgets that the art exhibit exists in her museum, and that Harvey’s island exists in the cosmology of Animal Crossing.

A Horoscope for Your Wednesday

Aries: Are you holding in things that are better let go? It’s time to release them. But take care to choose a time and place befitting the occasion.

Taurus: Many possibilities are swirling around you. I think you need to pick one. You don’t have to do it by yourself. Ask for help.

Gemini: You’re focusing on too many things at once. Your attention is divided, and so is your effort. Devote yourself to starting. It doesn’t have to be at the beginning.

Cancer: If you’re finding your environment lacking, you can change it. No one is going to yell at you. Probably.

Leo: You feel better when you take a deep breath. Focus on that, and let the feeling carry you.

Virgo: You’re reaching an end, aren’t you? Set your eyes on the shore, a new fragment may wash up.

Libra: Guard the things that are important to you. Some things are wont to disappear in the night.

Scorpio: You’ve been paying attention, but have you been listening? Seeing is not always hearing. Double check your work.

Sagittarius: Are you reminiscing again? Perhaps the past is trying to reach you. What is she telling the future?

Capricorn: Avoid hard lines. Instead of structure, for now they’ll provide nothing but inhibitions. Barter in fluidity.

Aquarius: Are you even having fun? Have you forgotten that’s the whole point? You’re allowed to indulge.

Pisces: Being well-rounded means that some things just slide off of you. Make sure it’s only things you’re okay with letting go of.