September 8, 2026
Birthday Party Blessings
This week, Miss Donut made her debut as an entertainer when she was hired by a local old, old lady/crone to make an appearance at a birthday party. The party was a themed murder-mystery dinner party, where reports indicate that Miss Donut was featured as both the victim and killer, and also the train upon which said murder took place.
In all her benevolence, Miss Donut allowed herself to be upstaged by only the birthday crone in terms of sheer beauty and charisma. Miss Donut’s agent and handler for the evening had nothing but praise for her performance, “everyone LOVED Donut!! She was such a good girl we’re about to go to bed but i wanted you to know that everyone loves your puppy.” This, of course makes perfect sense because Miss Donut is a perfect and lovely woman who has never committed a crime ever before in her life.
As any diva will tell you, beauty sleep is the most important element in maintaining devilishly good looks. As such, Miss Donut was photographed being supremely tucked in and dead asleep during what our editors can only assume was the height of the party.
To book a party appearance from Miss Donut, please reach out to bonkhouseweekly@gmail.com. Please be advised, that she is currently only accepting bookings for events with fewer than 15 attendees and those in which she has a high chance of stealing a snack off of a buffet, or perhaps a party-goer’s plate.
Customer Service: Class War Battlefield
For as long as there has been commerce, there has been customer service. The earliest recorded customer complaint dates back to 1750 BCE and the infamous Ea-Nasir and his sub-standard copper. Even now, 3,775 years later, the tradition of complaining about goods and services rendered continues, though some major changes have taken place. Instead of complaints being routed directly to a craft salesman, they’re now directed through large corporations who care about as much about the quality of their product as pigs do about their slop.
Despite present-day complaints being lodged with ultra-wealthy corporations and soulless billionaires, the complaints themselves are handled and responded to by ordinary laborers who are just trying to eke out a living, as are we all. Customer service workers are not your enemy, they are your siblings-in-arms. They do not make the policies that frustrate you so, and they do not deserve your ire. Often, they agree that the policies they’re forced to peddle are utter bullshit, and would prefer to do right by you as a consumer. It is in these cases that we must remember that we all belong to the same working class proletariat, and a little kindness and understanding can go a long way.
If you’ll forgive the cliche, common sense is not always common, and being kind to a customer service employee means that sometimes, they can fly under the radar and do something extra for you. Such was the case for Ms. Kriofsky this week as she woefully mismanaged a purchase that was made several months ago through an unnamed website. With the use of a little “please,” a lot of “thank you,” and one solemn vow to not be so careless next time, she was provided with exactly the assistance she was looking for, despite a proclamation of exactly the opposite: “There are no exceptions.”
By standing together, the working class can make the world a nicer and kinder place for us all.
A Horoscope for Your This Week:
Aries: Pick an emotion and feel it all the way. Stop splitting hairs.
Taurus: What have you made lately? Are you proud of it?
Gemini: Consume something that makes you happy. No one else is going to make happy for you.
Cancer: Take a bath, whether it’s physical, emotional, spiritual. Let it soak and come back cleaner.
Leo: Remember to stretch. Compromise is important.
Virgo: Ask someone to sit with you and tidy your things. Maybe they can help you see a different way.
Libra: Someone is shouting at you. Are you listening?
Scorpio: You’re holding too much lately. Something is going to slip. Let it be something you choose.
Sagittarius: Think bigger. So much lies outside of your preconceived notions.
Capricorn: Just because you forgive, does not mean you have to forget. Hold things only as long as they’re useful.
Aquarius: Trust yourself. You are the expert on you.
Pisces: Sometimes the past doesn’t want to stay there. You don’t have to let it stay in the present, either.
thoughts? feelings? worries?