Bonk House Weekly

Heavy Metal Hyperfixation Continues

Following her attendance at a life-changing show on August 16, 2024 featuring Pantera opening for Metallica, Ms. Kriofsky has been gripped by a heavy metal obsession. Approximately most of her recent time on Spotify has been to metal and various metal sub-genres. Top sub-genres include thrash metal and industrial metal.

After doing a deep dive on Metallica’s Wikipedia page, Ms. Kriofsky made the startling and delightful discovery that Metallica had released recordings of their recent live shows, including both nights of their Minneapolis shows. Ms. Kriofsky had attended their Friday night show, which unfortunately did not include her childhood favorite, Enter Sandman. Their Sunday night set, however, closed with that track, and Ms. Kriofsky jumped on the $24 opportunity to hear Enter Sandman played live in Minneapolis.

Initially, Ms. Kriofsky played these downloaded recordings through Google Drive, as she is technologically illiterate and could not figure out how to add the tracks into Spotify. With a quick Google search and 3 minutes reading a Reddit post, Ms. Kriofsky conquered Spotify App and can now listen to music that she purchased with currency and legally owns with maximum convenience.

New Sleepytime Record Set

Ms. Kriofsky set what may be a personal record this weekend with a marathon of sleep totaling an incalculable number of hours. She attended a social function on Sunday; she was picked up around 5:30 PM that day and did not make it home until 4:00 AM on Monday morning. She fell asleep quickly, and was awoken just as speedily by one Miss Donut demanding a poop walk and breakfast around 6:00 AM. Ms. Kriofsky tended to her beautiful flower Miss Donut, and promptly passed out again around 6:30 AM.

After an unquantifiable sleep, she woke just before 6:00 PM Monday evening to discover that Miss Donut, at some point during the day, had protested the unconsciousness of her mother by shredding and devouring approximately half a box of Aldi-brand white cheddar baked cheese crackers. With another poop walk and dinner, the two retired again to bed for some much needed rest.

Does Ms. Kriofsky Have a First Name? Sources Seem Unsure.

While some folks believe that Ms. Kriofsky has a legal first name, others remain mystified on what, if anything, may precede her surname. Contrary to popular belief, Ms. Kriofsky’s first name is not actually bonk. This leaves the masses wondering, “Does she have a first name?”

According to one man’s whole-hearted beliefs, her first name is likely Franklina. This conjecture came after his first guess, Isadora was firmly denied. Despite further denials in response to Franklina, the name continued to be suggested another three to four times.

To put an end to this evidently popular rumor, Ms. Kriofsky’s name is not Franklina, and thank Christ for that.