August 13, 2024
Bumper Sticker Spotting
Our editors always keep a keen eye out for the best bumper stickers of the Twin Cities, and one came in clearly at the top of the podium this week. With a simple tan background and blocky blue text “I ♥The Cream” takes the cake for Most Bumper Sticker in the greater metro area.
Runner up is a groovy blue and white sticker with the text “Please Don’t Hit Me – I Don’t Get How Insurance Works” While the concept is unoriginal in the tired eyes of our editors, it still rings true. For those confused by auto insurance claims, Mr. Ben could prove to be a valuable resource due to his recent move into Car Hell.
New Hyperfixation Runs Through Bonk House
Ms. Kriofsky dove headfirst into a new hyperfixation as she picked up the chimken game that Mr. Dave would frequently boast about in the family group chat. According to inside sources, Ms. Kriofsky said to Miss Donut, “I’d like a billion chickens I think,” and she proceeded to acquire nowhere near a billion chickens. In fact, Mr. Dave’s billions of chickens confused her even more now. How does he have so many fucking chickens.
Eggs are having a big moment in the Bonk House, with Egg Inc. (chimken game) logging more than 16 hours of screen time over the past week, and actual literal eggs being discovered as a wonderful stomach base for Adderall. Ms. Kriofsky has taken to making two eggs each morning for breakfast, except for the mornings when she is unable to drag herself out of bed until 4 minutes before she’s supposed to clock in, as something in the egg chemicals makes her Adderall brain run like a Windows 11 computer.
In recent days, her preparation of her breakfast eggs has shifted from a bagel-based delivery system to a slightly disappointing egg-and-cheese quesadilla. Word on the street indicates that this change is due to a lack of cream cheese for the bagels.
On Tuesday morning, Ms. Kriofsky became fairly certain she was experiencing an auditory hallucination, which would not be the first time she has convinced herself of this, as she thought she could hear her gently toasting quesadilla making soft bird noises at her. With the windows in the kitchen open to allow the 65° air to permeate the house, she moved closer to the window to see if the bird noises were coming from real birds in the real outside. Unfortunately, the only sounds coming from the outside was the hum of distant traffic. She then got real close to her quesadilla, still toasting on the stove, and definitely heard louder bird noises.
Was the quesadilla speaking to her? Is she losing her mind? Has she already lost it?
New Research: Photosynthesis and Clinical Depression
New reports from Bonk House Laboratory indicate that unfortunately, an increased intake of sunlight does not cure chronic depression. The anecdotal research comes as a big disappointment to Ms. Kriofsky as she hoped that not living in a basement and being able to sit in actual sunlight would magically cure her of mental illness. This has not happened, and as it turns out, she is able to rot and spiral just as effectively in the sun as she is in a dank basement.
Ms. Kriofsky continues to be plagued by feelings of insecurity in all of her personal relationships and simply cannot comprehend that anyone might enjoy, much less desire, her presence for any purpose. She is currently isolating herself as much as she can while also keeping up appearances that she perceives as required, lest the people on the other end of said appearances begin to resent her even more. Any currently pending and unscheduled plans will remain that way for approximately three business days until she is able to pull her head out of her ass and experience feelings like a normal person again.
5 responses to “BHW 08.13.2024”
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bink bonk
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so true bluecreatively14c82dcaf3
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tweet tweet
tweet tweet-
very snow white cinderella moment with my hot quesadilla this morning
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freeegg4bonk42069
thoughts? feelings? worries?