August 7, 2024
Pitiful Pitbull
The world’s biggest baby, Miss Donut, experienced tragedy on Tuesday morning when she awoke to find her butt had swollen to a size it definitely should not be. After much googling and even more pictures of dog buttholes, Ms. Kriofsky was reasonably confident in her diagnosis of impacted and ruptured anal gland.
When Ms. Kriofsky texted Mr. Bossman to inform him that she wouldn’t be in that morning until she could speak with her vet, he encouraged her to just bring Miss Donut in to the office. Miss Donut only leaked a small amount of butt fluid on the car seat on the drive over, before laying down nicely on her floor beach towel. When her vet office opened at 8:30, Ms. Kriofsky called and was told that due to a cancellation, they would be able to squeeze Miss Donut in for a visit.
With a whopping one hour of work under her belt for the day, Ms. Kriofsky excused herself from the office and whisked her ailing puppy to the vet. Miss Donut had a surprising and unexpected pep in her step as she entered the clinic, which was quickly stifled by the horrors of stepping on the scale.
The veterinarian came to examine Miss Donut and introduce himself to Ms. Kriofsky despite the fact that they had definitely met before. He diagnosed Miss Donut with a ruptured anal gland, and prescribed a course of antibiotics, anti-inflammatories, and painkillers. This proved that Google rules all, but is unable to prescribe medication. The pair was advised to follow-up in two weeks to ensure that things were healing properly, and for Miss Donut’s regular annual check-up and shots.
The ladies returned to the office for the rest of the day, and after having a painkiller forced down her throat, Miss Donut zonked out for the biggest nap known to this office building.
Naptime continued through about 6:00pm when Miss Donut realized that she had slept through dinner. Her hesitance toward the idea of dinner quickly subsided when Ms. Kriofsky was finally able to open the jar of coconut oil again and added some to her kibble. The coconut oil seemed to mask the presence of an antibiotic pill snuck into her bowl.
Following dinner, Miss Donut proceeded to fall asleep again on the beach toweled sofa. The next time she woke up was to Ms. Kriofsky re-entering the apartment with a crinkly plastic bag that was sure to be full of treats. Despite a winning smile and tail wag, the bag unfortunately contained dog diapers instead. Miss Donut was subjected to the humiliation of wearing said diaper, and refused to leave the sofa even when Ms. Kriofsky retired to bed.
Wednesday morning, the diaper was donned once again after morning dinner and a potty break. Miss Donut is hopefully now resting peacefully at home and not attempting to weasel her way out of her diaper to lick her butthole. Inside sources indicate that the likelihood of the diaper still being on Miss Donut’s person at the end of the day are slim to nil.
TOTD (Tune of the Day)
As any good bonk fan knows, Ms. Kriofsky has a habit of listening to one to two songs on repeat for hours a day, and days on end. The track that Ms. Kriofsky is currently beating the piss out of is “I Think I’m Going To Kill Myself” by Elton John. If you’ve ever wondered, “What does bonk listen to for 8 hours a day at the law firm?” for the next week or so, it will be almost exclusively this song.
This TOTD is completely unrelated to any other events that may or may not have occurred in recent days.
For legal purposes, Ms. Kriofsky is of sound mind and body and is not currently planning anyone’s death, least of all her own.
Cost Breakdown of a Butt Explosion
The explosion of Miss Donut’s butt brought an unexpected expense to Ms. Kriofsky’s precarious financial situation. The total cost of her last-minute vet visit was $249.81, with the majority of these charges attributable to her painkillers ($20.81 for seven doses), and her antibiotics ($112.40 for 28 doses).
The examination itself came in at a reasonably priced $96.80. Despite mounting stress, Ms. Kriofsky dutifully paid these fees to ensure the happiness and wellbeing of her beloved Miss Donut.
One charge on the invoice left Ms. Kriofsky a bit confused; $7.75 for something labelled “Clip and Clean – level 1,” that somehow is listed with a quantity of 5. It’s unclear what this service was, as Miss Donut was neither clipped nor cleaned by the veterinary staff. She protested the flushing of her abscess (cleaning), and definitely did not have her nails trimmed (clipping).
The Butcher of Bonk House
Now that Ms. Kriofsky has migrated to a sunnier apartment, her passion for houseplants has been reignited. The prospect of new greenery is a welcome one, after spending two years in a dark, dank basement where plants steadily perished.
In order to bring more plants into the apartment on the cheap, Ms. Kriofsky completely annihilated her two sad, leggy monstera plants. This resulted in 15-18 cuttings. The leaf cuttings were placed in water, while the leaf-less stem cuttings were put directly in dirt. The projected chances of survival for the stem cuttings are low, but Ms. Kriofsky holds out hope regardless.
In a worst-case scenario, Ms. Kriofsky prays that at least two cuttings will root and flourish, bringing her back to her initial monstera levels prior to the intense butchery.
Free Baseball! Was It Worth It?
After scoring some free tickets to a recent Minnesota Twins game, Ms. Kriofsky invited her resident sport-goer Ms. Star to join her. Despite mysterious external forces making for a late arrival, the game was thoroughly boring. There was no score until the ninth inning, there were zero fights, and not even one player took their shirt off. Regardless, Ms. Star was the highlight of the evening as always.
Unfortunately, the evening took a turn for the worse after Ms. Kriofsky exited the game during the eighth inning in the hopes of having an easier time finding an Uber home. She called said Uber, but was unable to locate the driver, who did not respond to phone calls or texts. The Uber was then cancelled, and Ms. Kriofsky located a Lime Scooter to pilot home. This attempt was also met with difficulty, as the technology illiterate idiot was unable to figure out how to make the fucking scooter go. Eventually, she opted to just walk home. This attempt was again met with difficulty, as the shoes that Ms. Kriofsky wore were slightly too small and hurt her feet, and she got honked at in a crosswalk despite clearly having the right-of-way.
After a brief stint of frustrated tears, Ms. Kriofsky turned to sleep to cease any further horrors.
Miss Donut Makes History Again: It’s Less Fun This Time
Miss Donut is now not only the very first canine attorney, but also the first canine attorney to be reported to the Minnesota State Bar Association for an ethics violation. She is accused of sexual harassment against the firm’s file clerk. Allegedly, when her pissboy assistant turned her back to pick up a file, Miss Donut jumped on the file clerk and tugged at the neckline of her shirt.
At this time, Miss Donut is still working in her full capacity and has suffered no consequences of any kind besides being told to “you go lay down,” which she did not do.
Too Young For This: Mixing Pills
A resurgence of severe back pain for Ms. Kriofsky had her turning to the comforting shoulder of medication in search of any iota of relief. When a combination of Flexeril and Aleve failed, resulting in a miserably painful day at the office, Ms. Kriofsky requested that an intermediary inquire with a Green Bay physician on the possible danger of mixing oxycodone with Aleve. The intermediary was shocked and alarmed, but relayed the message nonetheless. By the time the verdict came back (safe to mix, but oxycodone is ill-advised) approximately 4 minutes later, Ms. Kriofsky had already decided that she would test an edible for her pain before resorting to the oxy.
Last time she had back pain this severe, limiting her ability to walk, sit, stand, lay down, turn, reach, or lift, a weed vape magically cured her, and Ms. Kriofsky was hoping for a similar result this time. Unfortunately, the edible failed as a method for pain management, and Ms. Kriofsky’s back still aches uncontrollably.
In a brief, but much needed hangout with the staff at Gizmo’s house, Ms. Kriofsky was gently ribbed when she asked for assistance in reaching her water bottle from the coffee table. From her position seated on the sofa, her water was only slightly out of arms reach, and Mr. Ben encouraged her to “Just lean forward 🙂 just lean forward and get it 🙂 you can do it :)” despite knowing damn fuckin’ well that she couldn’t.
Upon returning home, Ms. Kriofsky stuck another pin into the voodoo doll of Mr. Ben, though it’s unclear exactly where this pin was placed.
6 responses to “BHW 08.07.2024”
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what a scandal if i died🎶
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i NEED a picture of donut in her diaper lil baby
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you will soon have many plants
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ominous. thanks!
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i hope if my anal glands explode one day i have someone to put a diaper on me and love me
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kisses you on the forehead
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thoughts? feelings? worries?