Bonk House Weekly

City of Minneapolis Emails Supply New Anxieties

Following subscriptions to a number of Minneapolis government newsletters, Ms. Kriofsky’s inbox has boasted an abundance of largely administrative updates on happenings in the general Twin Cities Metro area, including those from the Metropolitan Mosquito Control District. The MMCD sends out regular emails on their attempts to control mosquito populations by advising subscribers as to where and when helicopters will be doling out chemicals that kill (mosquito) babies.

A recent update from the MMCD sparked a new anxiety for Ms. Kriofsky, who is historically particularly appetizing to the mosquito population, as they reported that more mosquitos are testing positive for West Nile Virus than is typical for this time of year in all seven metro-area counties. On a recent evening walk with Miss Donut, which lasted no longer than 5-8 minutes, Ms. Kriofsky sustained no fewer than five mosquito bites.

Despite having literally no concept of what the symptoms or effects of West Nile Virus are, Ms. Kriofsky is becoming increasingly convinced that she is fated for an early grave. Headache? Back pain? Fucked up knees? Must be West Nile Virus.

Finance Outlook: Unfortunate Tidings?

In other inbox-related news, Nintendo of America recently reached out to Ms. Kriofsky to inform her that she is legally able to order a Nintendo Switch 2. This was initially received as great news, as Ms. Kriofsky has been considering Googling “Nintendo Switch 2” for the past week-and-a-half to check the purchasability of the new console.

Unfortunately, the constraint that stopped Ms. Kriofsky from investigating prior to receiving the email pictured above is the lack of discretionary funds available to her. Despite this, Ms. Kriofsky may make the questionable financial decision to purchase the console anyway and milk the new console for all the serotonin she can.

Reports from within the Bonk House indicate that Ms. Kriofsky is justifying the purchase to herself by arguing that it will be an incentive and reward for abandoning [VICE]. Our inside source believes this explanation to be 85%-98% bullshit, and that Ms. Kriofsky wanted the console anyway and is willing to say almost anything to herself to justify the reckless spending.

A Horoscope for Your Wednesday

Aries: Rivers carve out the earth to suit their path. So too shall you.

Taurus: Nurture your natural curiosities today. A fun fact is just waiting to use you as a vessel to annoy your friends.

Gemini: You’re throwing stones from your glass house again, aren’t you. I don’t want to hear any crying when your window shatters.

Cancer: What frightens you? Lean into the fear. The risk will yield many dividends.

Leo: Write your name on something. That’s yours now. You better take good care of it. Make it something big.

Virgo: Rotate yourself away from the sun. It’ll keep you from growing wonky.

Libra: You’re holding too much in. Let go of the secrets you’re keeping from yourself.

Scorpio: Sometimes the rules and regulations are there for a reason. You’re supposed to follow the arrows. Maybe they’ll lead you to a fun surprise this time.

Sagittarius: Are you performing for someone else’s sake? Do something to shock and appall them.

Capricorn: Check under your bed. You left something there, and it misses you. Why did you abandon it to the dust and darkness? That’s quite rude, you know.

Aquarius: You’re working too hard. Set the cruise to one below the speed limit and focus your energy on things you care more about.

Pisces: Think about when you were ten. Are you making your you proud? Adjust accordingly. Life is just dreams. You can live up to them.