Bonk House Weekly

The Talented Miss Dunkie Bear!

This week, Miss Donut expanded her repertoire of talents as she acquired the brand new skill of catching treats thrown in the vicinity of her noggin. For many years, treats tossed at her simply bounced off of her fat head and onto the floor, at which time she would scramble over the slippery faux wood to get her wet little lips on the wee snack.

Everything changed when Ms. Kriofsky set her mind to throwing popcorn at her dog until she learned to catch it. In a shocking turn of events, Miss Donut began catching the projectiles after just the second piece of popcorn, with an average crunch rate of 85%. In all fairness to Miss Donut, the pieces she was unable to catch were almost entirely the fault of her idiot mother, who evidently is unable to throw well or consistently.

Miss Donut’s newfound skill remains untested with foods other than popcorn, but she looks forward to exploring the new frontiers of catching food midair in her mouth.

Visiting Idiot Gets His Shit Rocked

Mr. Dave made his annual visit to the Bonk House over the past weekend, during which time he partook in several time-honored Twin Cities traditions. Namely, a trip was taken to IKEA and the Mall of America. IKEA yielded incredibly fruitful results for both Kriofsky siblings, while the Mall of America, as per usual, was found severely lacking. The one constant delight at the Mall of America comes in the form of Margaritaville, where unassuming shoppers can get boozed up before making poor financial decisions.

The highlight of Mr. Dave’s visit, though, came on Saturday evening, Mr. Dave and Ms. Kriofsky went head-to-head in a round of Nintendo Switch Sports golf. Mr. Dave is a frequent real-life golfer, and has been taking lessons with a professional golfer to up his game. Unfortunately, these lessons appear to be useless as Mr. Dave had his shit handed to him by his little sister, Ms. Kriofsky, who hasn’t golfed since she was approximately 9 years old. Presumably, this must be hugely embarrassing for Mr. Dave, who should hang his head in shame next time he steps out onto the links.

Big Fruit Invades Bonk House

A recent grocery shopping trip brought several large fruits into the Bonk House, namely a cantaloupe, a watermelon, and what may have been the world’s smallest pineapple. Tuesday evening saw the de-boning of these fruits in an epic show of knife-wielding skills that “would have scared my mother,” according to Ms. Kriofsky.

Luckily, there were no human flesh casualties, and the diced melons filled the largest tupperware container available in the Bonk House. Slicing up the cantaloupe first, Ms. Kriofsky feared that perhaps the tupperware she had selected would be too large for the amount of fruit she had, as the first melon loosely filled only the bottom of the container in a rather sparse layer. Moving on to the watermelon next, the scales tipped in the opposite way, as Ms. Kriofsky began to run out of room for fruit storage. Thankfully, the slight size of the pineapple worked to her advantage, as it yielded approximately 3 to 4 cubes.

The tupperware currently occupies nearly the entire top shelf of the Bonk House refrigerator, much to the dismay of 17 cups of yogurt and a dozen Budweiser that had previously resided there.

Local Dunkie Donates To Charity

An early vote this morning for the Bonk House Council set in motion a historic new community development plan, as chairperson Miss Donut Kriofsky elected to budget a single day’s worth of her precious time to a local charity case. Immediately following the vote, Miss Donut, famously the world’s first canine attorney, braved the Outside as she trekked to her downtown law office.

Utilizing her new, groundbreaking technique of osmosis meditation, Miss Donut aims to hone her lawyerly skills to aid in the training of soon-to-be human attorney, Ms. Faith Middleinitial Lastname. Lastname, renowned worldwide as Miss Donut’s best and only aunt, recently completed the most time-consuming step in her attorney journey: law school.

Next up for Ms. Faith is the bar exam at the end of this month. Pursuant to her auntie’s plea, Miss Donut, through the Bonk House Council, is dedicating her Wednesday to the aid of Ms. Faith’s bar preparation. Miss Donut has prepared her own set of flashcards for the study session, as well as a number of sloppy, wet kisses.

A Horoscope for Your Wednesday

Aries: Are you listening? Clean out your ears and try again. Pay attention.

Taurus: Let things heal over before you start getting scraped up again.

Gemini: Go! Get up! Go do it! You’ve put it off for too long and it’s getting a little sad. Go on!

Cancer: Look at the lights. They’re trying to tell you something. It looks kind of like an ‘E’ and a ‘7’. Does that mean anything to you?

Leo: You’ve been looking for something new, haven’t you? It’s time for you to find it. Maybe it’s a cup of tea, or a cool rock.

Virgo: You may have been falling short lately, but that’s okay. Learn from it, and move on. Take bigger steps.

Libra: Are you making oceans out of puddles again? You keep losing ships. Wait for calmer waters.

Scorpio: Did you look in the mirror today? Did you tell your reflection that you love them? I think they could use it.

Sagittarius: Sometimes things are just lessons in futility. Not everything works out. If you feel like you’ve been pushing too hard, just let it go.

Capricorn: Do things that make you happy. There’s nothing else.

Aquarius: Wallow in the low points. Splash around a little. We needed the rain.

Pisces: Are you breathing? The rise and fall of your chest mimics the pulse of the sun. Set something on fire.