June 4, 2025
Big Promotion – Therapy Assistant
Tissue box has been a longtime resident of the Bonk House, and after a grueling stint mopping up late-night and drunken tears, tissue box has made the brave decision to leave her current position and abode. Now living on the guest room desk, in the Laptop Adjacent neighborhood, she is excited to take the next step in her journey with her promotion from “Unenlightened Tear Janitor,” to “Therapeutic Efficiency Coordinator.”
Her new title comes with new responsibilities, which she seems to be settling into with ease. Tissue box’s first day took place on Tuesday, June 3, 2025 as Ms. Kriofsky participated in another therapy session. This time, through Tissue box’s diligent efforts, Ms. Kriofsky’s t-shirt sleeves were saved from both tears and snot.
While Tissue box is happy to offer comfort during times of emotional turbulence, she hopes that she can enjoy an early retirement. Unfortunately, this seems unlikely unless Ms. Kriofsky can manage to stop crying every time she is forced to acknowledge that she has emotions and feelings.
A New Bombshell Enters the Villa
A late-night bout of Instagram scrolling this week led to a new addition to the Bonk House Gallery, “Doing Laundry,” by the illustrious Matt Gray, AKA Really Good Artist. Once framed and affixed to a vertical surface, “Doing Laundry” will mark the third of Gray’s pieces to live in the Bonk House, with two other pieces having been purchased at some point in approximately 2021.
Local gallery-goers hope that this piece will inspire the lackadaisical Ms. Kriofsky to finish displaying a number of other works that have been relegated to a box under her bed for nearly a year, as they were never unpacked post-move in July 2024. Currently archived works include the inimitable “Chernobyl Furby,” along with prints from Abigail E. Penner, Justin A. McHugh, and the much beloved Mike Kronberger.
Bonk House residents hope that Ms. Kriofsky can get her shit together sometime in the near future to enhance upcoming zone-out-and-stare-at-a-wall sessions.
A Horoscope for Your Wednesday
Aries: Aren’t you just sick of it? Let it go. Move on. Waste your time on cooler things.
Taurus: Look in the mirror. Do something to invert your happiness so your reflection can enjoy it too.
Gemini: Stick to a schedule today. It’s just one day. How hard can it be?
Cancer: Everything needs to start somewhere, you just have to take the initiative. Wallow in your feelings. Indulge the ugly parts of yourself. See what yearns to grow.
Leo: Take a risk. Get one of those fish pedicures. It’s okay to share a little flesh with creatures.
Virgo: Start a fight. Be stubborn. Stand up for yourself, it will help with the back pain.
Libra: Push yourself this week. Pay attention to your strengths, let the muscles burn. Revel in the soreness of self-improvement.
Scorpio: Build a fence. But be sure to leave a gate big enough for all the love in your heart to pass through. Actually, maybe don’t bother with the fence and just let your love take you on a journey.
Sagittarius: Don’t let your vision get lost. Plaster it across the sky, make sure everyone knows. Let people hear you.
Capricorn: Stop holding onto things that no longer serve you. It’s a waste of valuable hand space. Instead, hold something soft. Like a friend’s hand, or perhaps a tissue.
Aquarius: Follow your impulses. Do something you’ll regret. Not all journeys are good ones. Stay the course on the low road.
Pisces: Are you giving too much of yourself? Keep yourself close this week. You’re you forever.
Weekly Metallica Update:
All-Time Metallica Scrobbles: 5,483
Increase from Last Week (5,377): +106
thoughts? feelings? worries?