Bonk House Weekly

She’s Just So Sleepy

Miss Donut challenged herself this week to top her own longstanding record for “Sleepiest Girl on This Side of the Mississippi,” which yielded incredible results. After stealing chair spot from her wretched mother, forcing said mother to sit on the floor, Miss Donut promptly positioned herself adjacent to fuzzy blankie and got to work on some quality honk shooing.

Amid boogerful snores and with her face smooshed quite intensely into the seat of the chair, both of her eyes were partially open despite her state of deep rest. Witnesses at the scene watched her eyes roll progressively further back into her head as her slumber descended upon her in full force.

Unfortunately, the camera-shy pooch sensed that there was an unwelcome voyeur into her personal naptime, and she promptly woke up, turned around several times, and laid back down with her face now smooshed into the privacy of the back cushion of her still-stolen seat. Thus, while this push toward her new personal record was certainly commendable, the short duration prevented her from toppling her “Sleepiest Girl on This Side of the Mississippi” record.

We look forward to following future iterations of Miss Donut’s quest for sleepiness supremacy.

Peculiar Party, or an Offering to the Gods?

One jar of “That Pickle Guy Minced Hot Giardiniera” and two jars of “Frontera Classic Mexican Cooking Sauce Red Chile & Roasted Garlic” were spotted sitting near a revolving door in downtown Minneapolis on Monday. Sources indicate that they were likely left as early set-up for a jarred sauce based party, or perhaps as an offering to a chile pepper related deity. The jars were not seen on Tuesday, leading scientists to believe that either the sauce party was successful, or that the pepper god was appeased by this offer.

In another layer of mystery, our research has been unable to prove that the “Frontera Classic Mexican Cooking Sauce Red Chile & Roasted Garlic” is an actual product that exists for purchase. After deep internet search dives, our team has been unable to locate any evidence that this specific sauce has ever been produced, marketed, and/or sold. As the internet contains the consummate sum of all information ever recorded, we believe this sauce does not, in fact, exist.

Perhaps the esoteric nature of the Frontera sauce is why it was offered to an ethereal pepper god. Perhaps the doubt over the existence of the sauce is meant to parallel the doubt over the existence of a pepper god. If neither the sauce nor the god exist, then where did the jars disappear to? Was the giardiniera only included as a backup failsafe pepper offering that does exist?

Does god or the sauce exist if we don’t believe in it?

A Horoscope for Your Wednesday

Aries: Let someone else take the reins. You don’t have to do everything yourself. You’ll need the spared energy in the coming days. Trust in those around you.

Taurus: Put your hands in the dirt. Pick a flower and press it. Remind yourself that there is beauty everywhere, even in the worms.

Gemini: Too many things are living in your head. Let them go, and make decisions confidently. This is no time to dilly-dally.

Cancer: Call your mom. Tell her about something that makes you happy. Revel in the beauty of human connection.

Leo: Avoid paper towels this week. Convenience will interfere with your normal processes. Opt for a more sustainable alternative.

Virgo: Don’t allow yourself to be confined by your preconceived notions. People will surprise you. Take in the differences, let yourself expand.

Libra: Follow the crowd today. They’ll lead you somewhere new and exciting. Or to a cult. 50/50.

Scorpio: Drink more water. Use today to recharge. Stare at the ceiling for a little too long.

Sagittarius: Seize control. Stage a coup to take down a fascist regime. You are your own means of production.

Capricorn: Fall down a Wikipedia rabbit-hole. Random knowledge and seemingly useless facts are here to keep you company.

Aquarius: Push yourself. Push someone else. Avoid stairs. Find joy in physicality.

Pisces: Throw yourself into a project. Make a sacrifice, sell your soul. You don’t need that anyway.

Weekly Metallica Update:

All-Time Metallica Scrobbles: 5,134

Increase from Last Week (4,973): +161