Bonk House Weekly

Rugby Goes Hard As Fuck

In their quest to become a national hub for women’s sports, Minneapolis welcomed the Twin Cities Gemini, one of the inaugural six teams in the newly formed Women’s Elite Rugby league. The TC Gemini played their first home game of the season on April 25, 2025 much to the elation of notorious women fans Ms. Kriofsky and Ms. Star.

Playing at TCO Stadium in Eagan, Minnesota, which also serves as the practice facility for a men’s football team known as the Minnesota Vikings, the TC Gemini brought home a win over the San Francisco Bay Breakers with a final score of 17-12.

Our rather inept sports reporter was thankfully rescued from her ill-preparedness by the incredible community that seems to surround rugby, as the very polite man seated behind Ms. Kriofsky explained the bulk of the game to her and Ms. Star, likely after hearing “‘What was that? What is she doing?’ ‘Her best.’” one too many times. After having scoring, fouls, penalties, the concept of a scrum, and the phrase “take her candy,” explained, the match made infinitely more sense and did, in fact, become more interesting to watch when armed with a moderate understanding of what the fuck was going on.

Rugby, unlike most other sports that Ms. Kriofsky has consumed in the past, has approximately one billion players on the field at all times. Sometimes those players get lifted like a cheerleader by their teammates to catch the ball. Sometimes those players assemble into a single mass akin to a tank and attempt to steamroll a similarly assembled opposing-team meat tank. These are all legal actions that can be taken, unlike throwing the ball forward.

For those interested in supporting women’s sports, you can purchase tickets to upcoming games here, including their next home match against the New York Exiles on May 3, 2025. All Women’s Elite Rugby matches are streamed free through DAZN, and can be found here. For those who hate women, do nothing, I guess.

A Brief History of Music

Avid music-listener Ms. Kriofsky found herself hungry for numbers to quantify just how avid of a listener she is. Luckily, having been subscribed and scrobbling on last.fm for the past three years, there are a wealth of statistics available to her.

Her first discovery was that she is not bumping as many tunes in the past four months as she did over the course of 2024. She, of course, is now on a mission to remedy this oversight, as a decrease in numbers from year to year would obviously mean that she is failing at listening to music. If you can’t improve your performance, why bother with the activity at all? Surely not purely for enjoyment. Idiot.

Ms. Kriofsky’s next discovery took her by surprise, as Metallica jumped to her #1 artist for a time-frame stretching from her registration with last.fm until April 29, 2025, despite only listening to Metallica heavily since approximately August of 2024. This means that Atmosphere was bumped down into the #2 spot with 1400 fewer scrobbles than the reigning champion. Atmosphere was featured as Ms. Kriofsky’s Spotify top artist for 2024 which makes their abdication from the throne all the more confusing.

Despite claiming the top artist spot, Metallica does not appear at all in Ms. Kriofsky’s top album chart, instead ceding the number one spot to Dance Fever (Deluxe) by Florence + the Machine, who appeared as Ms. Kriofsky’s Spotify top artist for 2022. The release of Dance Fever in May of 2022 prompted obsessive and eternally repetitive listening from our subject which boosted the artist to number 3, and the album to number one on the Bonk House charts.

The number four artist, Dessa, while unable to boast a Bonk House charting album, did appear on Ms. Kriofsky’s Spotify top artists as number three in 2024 and number two in 2022. Unfortunately, Dessa did not place in 2023. Spotify’s 2023 results appear to our analysts to be an outlier, as total minutes dropped by almost half from the year before, and increased nearly as much the following year. With such a low total of listening minutes in 2023, it is nearly impossible to achieve an accurate picture of Ms. Kriofsky’s musical preferences for that year.

Looking toward the future, Ms. Kriofsky hopes to continue listening to Metallica for approximately six hours each day, on five to six days of the week, and to crush her average scrobbles per day statistic from 2024. You can support Ms. Kriofsky’s goals by patiently listening to her ramble off facts about Metallica, and enjoying the thrash-metal serenade that welcomes each passenger in her vehicle.

Baby Princess Enjoys Enrichment Activity

The legendary Miss “dunkie dodo bird” Donut indulged in a low-risk and high-reward enrichment activity this week, after a bout of what appeared to onlookers as “being sad.” Ms. Kriofsky, in an attempt to brighten the puppy’s day and engage her widdle brain, rolled cubes of freeze-dried chicken into a blanket, which was then tied in two knots that were looser than her grip on linear time. Miss Donut took her time coming out of her designated pout spot on the guest room bed, and the chicken blanket sat untouched on the living room floor for upwards of sixty entire minutes.

Upon reentering the realm of living room, Miss Donut initially trotted straight past the treasure trove of treats and hopped up onto the sofa, where she was assaulted by the wafting scent of dried poultry, and she immediately plopped back onto the floor and stuck as much of her head as possible into the blankie knots. Never one to use her noggin unless absolutely fucking necessary, Miss Donut attempted to chew her way straight through the blanket, rather than using her mouth and feetsies to untangle the tasty puzzle.

Unfortunately, Ms. Kriofsky was not willing to allow the destruction of the highly coveted “I Dig Dirt” blankie and gently chided Miss Donut for her brute force tactic. As Miss Donut caught onto the game, she made quick work of untying the blanket and carrying the still-rolled treat tube first to the couch, and then to her bedroom. Once comfortably situated on the bed and out of sight from her bitch mommy, she did immediately resume her attempts to breach the blanket via teeth.

Eventually, Miss Donut ferreted out all of the treats and then spent the next twenty minutes licking every inch of the blanket to ensure that no speck of chicken escaped her wet little mouth. The evening ended with a very damp blankie and a supremely satisfied Miss Donut.