Bonk House Weekly

This Little Piggy…

On Saturday afternoon, Miss Donut basked in the presence of her favorite uncles and aunt for a mysterious jamboree that she was unable to discern the purpose of.

Ms. Star made an early appearance to set-up and prepare for the event, plating some delicious finger foods including cucumber sandwiches, pasta salad, deviled eggs, and pigs in a blanket.

As Ms. Kriofsky was occupied drying her hair, and Ms. Star had stepped outside for a moment, Miss Donut made her move and swiftly scarfed down approximately half of the pigs in a blanket and as many cucumber sandwiches as she could reach. Unfortunately, Miss Donut was unable to curb her appetite to make a clean getaway, and was caught red-handed by Mses. Kriofsky and Star, at which time she coughed up two pigs in a blanket that she had stuffed into her little mouth. Upon remembering the five-second rule, she quickly remedied her mistake and slurped them back up.

The remaining pigs in a blanket were enjoyed by many, and Ms. Kriofsky was profusely apologetic for Miss Donut’s abhorrent behavior.

We spoke with Miss Donut regarding the incident, and she is entirely unapologetic and would do the exact same thing, if presented with another opportunity.

What is a Compact Car?

Many have often wondered, “what is the true definition of a compact car?” and the folks that regularly occupy Jerry Haaf Memorial Parking Ramp seem to struggle especially hard with this quandary.

Thankfully, expert car-guys and governmental bodies have provided a standardized definition. According to caranddriver.com, “Small, or compact, cars have between 100-109 cubic feet of combined passenger and cargo volume, and are between 161 and 187 inches long.”

With this in mind, Ms. Kriofsky conducted a highly scientific study* of vehicles parked in designated “Compact Car” spaces in downtown Minneapolis.

Notably, some drivers are able to recognize that their vehicle is a compact car, including the driver of a Hyundai Accent, as well as a Toyota Corolla. The Accent clocks in at 173.6 inches long, with 103.9 cubic feet of passenger/cargo volume. The Corolla tallies 182.3 inches long, and has 101.7 cubic feet of passenger/cargo volume.

Both of these vehicles fit squarely into the definition of a compact car, and absolutely can and should park in spaces designated for “Compact Cars.”

On the other end of the spectrum, Ms. Kriofsky was highly disappointed to find a Jeep Grand Cherokee, Ford Expedition, and Toyota Tacoma parked squarely in “Compact Car” spaces.

The Jeep boasts a whopping 194 inches in length, and a hefty 144.6 cubic feet of passenger/cargo volume. The Ford Expedition is 210 inches long, with approximately 160 cubic feet of passenger/cargo volume. The Toyota Tacoma, in a show of size that may shock readers who think “But the Tacoma is a compact truck!” With a length of 213 inches, the Tacoma is certifiably non-compact, by any definition.