Bonk House Weekly

An Open Letter to Big Yogurt

Dear Mr. and/or Ms. Big Yogurt:

Stop putting those nasty little mushy fruit bits in the yogurt. They are evil incarnate. They are the bane of my existence. They haunt my nightmares and my gag reflex. I simply wish to enjoy a homogeneously textured, fruit-flavored fermented dairy product. Make the chunks stop. They are ubiquitous and I cannot escape them. Whenever I am tragically assaulted by these goopy monstrosities, I can’t help but imagine that they are the invention of a fervently booger-eating toddler.

Credit where credit is due though, Mr. and/or Ms. Big Yogurt. Generally, I am a fan of the work that yogurt has done in the past. The GoGurt? Beautiful invention. One of it’s best traits is the wonderful, smooth texture with no questionable globs of mucus to be passed off as “fruit.”

I want fruit flavor. I do not want chunks. I do not care how you make these two statements coexist in a single-serving 5.3 ounce cup. I know you’ve got the chemicals to do it. What I want is not difficult. What you are giving me, however, is difficult to stomach.

It is my right as a God-fearing Bonk House citizen to enjoy 25 grams of protein crammed into my dish-free, travel-friendly yogurt without being bedeviled by the fruit equivalent of a spitball. I’m not even asking you to provide the additional 13 grams of protein. I can do that myself, sans chunks. Please, just give me smooth yogurt.

Do not give me another limp blueberry husk. Do not give me another flaccid sixteenth of a strawberry. I would list more types of fruit with additional synonyms for mushy, but in all honestly, the aforementioned flavors are really the only two I care about. Let the mango-lovers have their soggy bits. Let the peach fans enjoy their mouthful of fibrous goo. Let ME have velvety strawberry and blueberry yogurts (separately).

What you, Mr. and/or Ms. Big Yogurt, are making me endure is frankly gross and inhumane. I don’t know where on the yogurt production line of your life that you lost respect for your fellow man, but I pray that you find it again soon, ideally in a silky smooth cup of strawberry flavored yogurt. Maybe we could share that delicious cup of yogurt. Maybe we could kiss a little. But ONLY if the yogurt is perfectly, delightfully smooth.

Butter Snatcher Strikes Again

Notorious Bonk House butter thief struck again on Monday evening, preying on a poorly hidden stick of room temperature unsalted butter. Authorities are currently investigating Miss Donut for her probable involvement with this theft, as she was present at the scene of the crime and was found licking butter off of the floor, before fleeing into her kennel where she knows mommy can’t touch her.

Thanks to a medium fast response time from paramedics, the stick of butter survived this harrowing incident and is currently in stable condition. Mr. Unsalted Butter sustained a head contusion as a result of his approximately three-to-four foot fall from the counter. He is expected to make a full recovery and live out his lifelong dream of being sliced and scraped apart to grease a frying pan for two eggs on Monday through Friday mornings.

Officers are still investigating possible suspects. Bite marks were found on Mr. Butter, but investigators are proving wholly inept at matching the indents in the softened butter to the jaws of their primary suspect, Miss Donut.

We reached out to Miss Donut for comment regarding this unfortunate situation, and while she refused to answer any of our questions, she did do a butter-scented burp in the face of our reporter.

Sunday To-Do List: