Bonk House Weekly

Cold Front (and all other sides) Blows In

Temperatures dropped this week in Minnesota with the lowest actual temperature reaching -24° F, bringing dismay and frigid extremities to many residents including Mses. Kriofsky and Donut. More layers have been piled on their bed and sofa as we enter prime blankie season. Indoor temperatures at the Bonk House dropped to a low of 56° F in the primary bedroom, and 60° F in the living room. There is no data on other Bonk House locations, as new clocks that also read the temperature have only been installed in these two locations. These clocks are a revelation for Ms. Kriofsky but have yet to make her more on time for anything. Regardless of the sick fucking clocks, Ms. Kriofsky has hauled out her space heater and electric heating pad which have been following her to the living room, to the bedroom, and back again depending on where she is laying at any given moment.

Conditions at work are scarcely better, with the average temperature of Ms. Kriofsky’s office hovering around 60° F, and despite her space heater being set to 85° F, her little fingers are still frozen and has lowered her typing words per minute by at least a lot.

The Best Orthodontist in the Twin Cities???

On Sunday night, Mses. Kriofsky and Star ventured into the cold for what critics are calling “The Best Date Night of 2025.” Driving down to Eagan, the two visited Minnesota Orthodontics and were shocked to discover that they carried smoothies, including a pineapple smoothie that Ms. Kriofsky had been craving all week. The pair thought the beverage bar and numerous claw machine games were an odd choice for an orthodontic office, but enjoyed several hours at the establishment.

Ms. Star defended her title as #1 Claw Machine Champion, as she won the first prize of the evening. Ever-chivalrous, she also won against a claw machine that had thoroughly defeated Ms. Kriofsky and denied her the sweet little plushie within (a stuffed bear that appears to be wearing a baozi bun-inspired hat).

The duo concluded the evening eating chicken in the car in a different dentist’s office parking lot and watching a YouTube video about dinosaurs.

Local Bartender Moonlights as Comedian

As a regular at a local watering hole, Ms. Kriofsky is accustomed to ordering a shot of whiskey from her beloved bartender, and this past Thursday was no different. However, what she was served this week was not simply a shot of whiskey with a Diet Coke chaser, it was a fucking joke.

Upon ordering the shot, the bartender pulled a rocks glass and a shot glass, to which Ms. Kriofsky thought to herself “Yes perfect I know which substance will fill each glass.”

She was wrong. The rocks glass, pictured above on the right, was filled with whiskey, while the shot glass, pictured on the left, was half-filled with Diet Coke. After a chuckle and an expletive, Ms. Kriofsky promptly downed both and then had to sit for a while.

Feeding the Adderall Machine

Ms. Kriofsky is no stranger to the arduous road of medication adjustments, but over the past two weeks she has bravely stepped into the previously untrodden territory of her diet, specifically as it relates to medication. When she was initially prescribed Adderall, she was told simply to take it with food. To her, this meant she should make sure there’s just something in her tummy so the amphetamines don’t burn an ulcer into her stomach. After months of unintentional research, trial, and error, she discovered that eating an actual meal seems to increase the efficacy of her Adderall as opposed to a one-ounce bag of Cheetos at 7:30 in the morning and nothing else until dinner.

She started slowly, making eggs if she had the time in the morning (which was not typical), and generally having a Belvita bar instead, paired with her traditional morning Diet Coke. After reading one single, unsourced post on tumblr, she discovered that her Diet Coke may be killing the efforts of her Adderall. Ms. Kriofsky started looking into it and trying to find which other foods may be kneecapping her productivity. When this search came back mostly fruitless because she wasn’t really eating anything anyway, she began to research the inverse. What would feed her Adderall? Resoundingly, the answer was protein. This explained why the two eggs for breakfast would usually herald a good day.

Now all she needed was a protein-heavy food that could be easily tucked into her bag for work, while also not requiring any reheating or dishes. Enter, protein yogurt. As with almost everything, commercially-branded protein yogurt seemed needlessly expensive to Ms. Kriofsky. One cup of Oikos protein yogurt (progurt, if you will) cost $1.03 for 15 grams of protein. Ms. Kriofsky was not satisfied with this. Instead, she acquired regular yogurt from Aldi and mixed it with half a scoop of protein powder, which doesn’t even really taste that bad. Her homemade progurt, while slightly more expensive per unit, beats out the Oikos in cost per gram of protein at 5 cents per gram compared to Oikos’ 7 cents per gram.