Bonk House Weekly

PWHL Minnesota: Please Win. Hoooooo, Lord.

On Saturday afternoon, Bonk House Sports’ Correspondents Mses. Kriofsky and Star made their first appearance at a Minnesota Frost game in 2025. While the seats to the match against the New York Sirens were prime, the view was disappointing for the majority of the game, as the Frost got their shit rocked 0-5.

Despite the crushing loss, goaltender Lucy Morgan put up a good show in net, as this was her first PWHL game, having been signed a 10-day contract several days before as illness ravaged the lineup. It’s not Ms. Morgan’s fault that the team was missing passes constantly and couldn’t manage to get the puck in a wide open net.

Semi-Successful Task Completion

Family Christmas took place in Minneapolis on Friday evening, and Ms. Kriofsky appeared with two impressively completed projects: the Night Yorb and cake (the dessert). The Night Yorb was assembled in a matter of hours on Friday afternoon, and is definitely filled with blood and tears. The presence of sweat is debatable. This galactic manta ray, stuffed like a wonky ravioli was Ms. Kriofsky’s Christmas gift to Ms. Faith, and was unfortunately the only gift finished in time for the celebration.

In between rapidly cutting and sewing the Night Yorb, Ms. Kriofsky was also baking her take on the Pink Cake from Stardew Valley. Several omissions were made due to a lack of ingredients, and the shape was changed based on pan availability. Even with these changes, the cake turned out quite delicious, boasting two layers of a buttermilk cake, strawberry cream cheese frosting, and a strawberry jam filling. Ms. Kriofsky looks forward to the return of summer where watermelon will hopefully be more readily available, as the jam filling in the recipe was intended to include watermelon with the strawberry. The cake itself turned out slightly more dense than Ms. Kriofsky had hoped, and she is blaming this entirely on the lack of baking soda, as she discovered she was out in the middle of making the batter.

Minneapolis residents can anticipate another Pink Cake attempt in 3-5 months that may or may not be better than the one baked this week.

Unfortunately, in true bonk fashion, while two projects were completed, two others were not. Gifts for Mr. Ben and Ms. Star are still in progress after large-scale failures on both projects. Involved parties were instead gifted placeholder boxes of wine so they may drink to forget Ms. Kriofsky’s friendship failures.

Bonk House: Rearranged

After an unfortunate stretch of overcast skies, the sun finally emerged briefly at the tail-end of last week. To capitalize on the sunshine, Ms. Kriofsky carefully pushed the kitchen chair to the living room and into a perfectly framed patch of sunlight for Miss Donut. #1 Sun-Bather Miss Donut immediately jumped on this opportunity and promptly fell asleep in her sunny kitchen chair.

The relocation of the kitchen chair greatly improves the flow of the kitchen, but has caused a major disruption in the flow of the living room. There are no current plans on how to restore balance to the living room as Ms. Kriofsky does expect to leave the kitchen chair in its current locale for the foreseeable future.